To be accurate there have been beautiful moments of oasis in this wasteland that is well-traveled by myself and my family. There are heart struggles that have led some to tell me that I needed to call the “whambulance.” Cute right, only when you are growing weary for a long season of Winter in your life, this is just more salt in a very tired wound that seems like it will never heal. I want to write, and yet a journal is not enough or close enough to my tapping fingers most days.
The longing to be an at home mom rages on within my heart of hearts most days. Yet I believe that somewhere in there is a hole, that allows the sadness of daily leaving my daughter to sep out so that it doesn’t poison the rest of me. There are days that tears stream down my face, eyes to the computer screen, back to the rest of the office. Especially when there are many in the workforce who do not understand the importance of being a mother and the heart-strings that are attached to the needs of our children. Much like needing to race on the wings of the wind to pick up a your little one who has just thrown up at school. Anxious because you love your child and want to be there to help them and hold them right away, yet, being made fun of while trying to get your mixed up emotions straightened out enough to shut your office down for the day and leave.
Yes, the wasteland. In this land I have walked through my own divorce, paying for it both financially and physically as well as spiritually. It was hard, the reward of walking with the Lord through this time in my life is priceless. There is just no other way.
This land includes being a single momma, who by choice has decided to wait as patiently (and often with many words spoken boldly in the throne room of the Lord) for a Godly Boaz to come into not just my life, but my families lives as well. This land has included the fight of cancer for both my mother and my father. Both with two surgeries and both with treatments as well as new medicines and the tweaking of said medicines. Our land would not be complete without the loss of three special dogs, one very cranky mean cat, the bite of a rabid bat on top of my father’s head and treatment of said bite with prayers that the treatments would work. The stresses of all of these hills and valleys. Now include in this land the addition of my loving brothers rejection from his wife and her desire for a divorce, that of course she won the right to have. Shall I tag on a few more items, Grandparents aging, and uncle who has needed medical assistance more than a few times, and family drama that goes along with all of that. My oldest brother being without work for more than six months at one point and a wife and three children to care for, then a job, then a new job and a relocation and now a sweet miracle (baby number four for them).
Weary is a state that I’m ready to move from. Winter is a season I’m long over. Waiting is a word that should be added to my name, instead of Ashley just call me Waiting. I’m Naomi’s best friend, though, I would have told her that Mara was not a good choice, because I’m not bitter and just don’t like that road at all. I’ve avoided that one in the wasteland, thanks to the hand of God moving at just the right moments to keep my life from wasting away.
The promise for our Lord Almighty, HE will make a way for us in the WASTELAND. The beauty is that I daily see evidence of this in my life.
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”